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‘Suicide Note And The Amateur Dramatic Society’. Part II. By Richard Racket

9 Feb

Suicide Note And The Amateur Dramatic Society. Part II.

By Richard Racket.

 

SS portrait late 80s

My suggested soundtrack to this continuing saga is ‘Enigma Elevation 7’  from Steve Swindells’ Enigma Elevations Album.

It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to: over my hangover, at least, and all the love. It’s enough to make me want to live forever.

Yeah right. Back to reality with a bang. I felt truly, awfully mercenary opening those envelopes, hoping that there was maybe money inside. Being broke destroys everything: Your confidence, dignity, self-respect, pride and your good health.

Sometimes, you can wake after a sexy dream feeling momentarily terrific, before sinking back under the duvet with the awful realisation that pennies must be counted, bills and bags of laundry must be ignored – and stress-reducing leisure pursuits must be postponed until your ‘budget’ has crept past the £10 mark, depending on the generosity of friends, family… and fate.

Back to the first person.

The loneliness and hopelessness is further compounded by the fact that the phone is, yet again, cut-off, which makes you feel like you’re marooned on an urban desert island.

You can’t invite people to join you for a humble repast because: either there’s not enough food; or when you find a pay-phone that’s actually working, you encounter multiple cheery-toned rejections in the cruel, inhumane form of the answerphone.

You don’t want to leave a message because people can’t call you back, which makes you feel pathetic, like a total loser.

Consequently, you find yourself spending an awful lot of time alone, which only increases the paranoia, feelings of inadequacy, lack of self-worth and adds to the general demise of your fighting spirit, resulting, I guess, in your disappearance from peoples’ radar screens.

The only wreckage to be found is your piddling, or possibly brilliant, scribblings and jottings, which might make your life seem worthwhile. All that work, all those hours, all that intensity and poetic enthusiasm teased from the dark night of your soul (which is always 3am – as I believe F. Scott Fitzgerald once wrote).

All that effort, all that striving, all that chasing and selling and smelling and meeting and chatting and battling and… bullshit.

All those promises and wind-ups and tricks and double-crosses from bosses and tossers, all those crosses you bore… but that doesn’t mean that you’re a bore. Does it?

On a slightly lighter note, there is one advantage to not having a phone. Most of my calls seem to be from people wanting something. Sometimes, they even have the temerity to demand what they require of me without even enquiring after my well-being. Nice.

How incredibly thoughtless and rude, as if I were a free, one-man agency for every aspiring two-bit researcher, socialite, would-be club runner, journalist, singer, actor, musician, painter, rent boy and cleaning lady in London. Generally, I’m happy to help people with advice or connections, but what about me?

MY career, MY needs, My income, My happiness? Good old Ricky, always there when you need him. So confident, always smiling, in charge, happening, major, Mr Man, on top, out there…

‘That’s Ricky Racket…’ people would whisper as I walked by in my own little world, as if I were actually famous. Hah! I’ll show you famous. I’m only marginally more famous than Van Gogh was in his lifetime – and the only thing I’ve cut-off (but not intentionally) is the goddam phone!

Have you ever tried to have a proper conversation in one of those call-boxes that are open to the elements in a howling gale (my open-plan office, as I jokingly refer to it, with more than a tinge of bitterness)?

Apart from the elements, the roar of traffic, or Concorde passing directly above you, there’s inevitably a queue, either before or after you, and that’s only if the call box is actually functioning.

Have you ever tried to set up a meeting from a call box? Apart from the inherent psychological disadvantage, which automatically diminishes your natural assertiveness, as the people whom you wish to speak with are always in meetings (or pretending to be).

‘Can so-and-so call you back?’ Asks the receptionist, secretary or PA (if you get that far up the chain of command), who is usually called Sharon.

‘Erm… well, I’m waiting for a line to be put in as I’ve just moved to a new flat… ‘ You trail off, realising the absurdity of it all, and give up.

 

And that point, a minor indulgence like brunch at Bar Italia in Soho, would soothe your troubled breast.

Reading the paper, doing the crossword, people-watching, munching delicious delicacies and sipping cappuccino… but no, you’ve spent the last of what little money you had talking to answerphones, Sharons and walls.

It’s 5:30PM and it’s already dark, cold and windy. I’m feeling horny. This is not practical. I don’t WANT to feel horny, even though it’s the most natural thing in the world, especially for us allegedly sexy Scorpios.

PWAS (people with AIDS) can have safe sex, just like anyone else, if the other person is willing to take the risk (which is why sex with a fellow PWA is less stressful). But… I haven’t told anyone, and even having safe sex without telling someone that I have AIDS would be grossly deceptive.

I guess it will have to come out at some point soon.

My balls are aching with all that unreleased cum. I take a long bath and wash my hair, then reluctantly decide to have a wank, just to ease the pressure. A succession of faces, bodies and bottoms flash across my mental screen. Stolen moments. Thighs and whispers. Memorable nights of real passion. Dirty/wholesome, meaningless/loving… SEX.

God, I miss it. I suppose masturbation is, in a way, the ultimate self-indulgence and tends to be the only sexual activity that induces something approaching a feeling of guilt in me.

That’s strange.

Is it because I feel I might be wasting moments of love? Or that mummy or daddy might walk in on me (I added that one for creepy laughs)? Or is it because it’s somehow mundane and lonely?

I catch sight of my body in the mirror – something of a masturbatory cliché in itself – and note that the stomach, aged 40, is still doing a reasonable imitation of a washboard and that the bum is quite round and pert.

Boys on the bed 1

Some friends hanging out on my giant bed

 

I wish my pectorals were more pronounced, but that’s my fault, I should get into swimming or ‘gymming’, but that costs money.

I idly brush my left nipple and there’s a perceptible inner reaction (my nipples have always been hard-wired to my dick, unlike many men – I guess it must be something in the homo genes). More faces from the past flit across my consciousness like warm shadows… so whom shall I invite into the bathroom for virtual intimacy today? They come in one-by-one, peeling off their pants, or running shorts (mmm, my favourite, especially with the smell of fresh sweat) to reveal the warm, dark curves and the soft hairy crevasses beneath. Aghhhhh! I’ve come in about 30 seconds.

I blink as if I’ve just awoken, wash the spunk off my dwindling tumescence and get out of the bath, feeling unburdened, at least temporarily.

Then I have a shave and tell myself in the mirror that I’m OK.

I’m carrying on… for now.

The flat is a disaster area. The floor hasn’t been vacuumed in weeks, there’s a pile of washing up and dirty clothes, towels and bed linen are overflowing from the laundry basket. I just can’t face doing something about it – and it ain’t nothing to do with my physical condition.

Oh nostalgia – the days when I could afford a cleaner! It was a small price to pay for the mental stimulation of a pristine flat. Now, the more I let it pile up, the more depressing it becomes.

I want to go out somewhere. I want someone I like to come and eat with me, talk with me and be with me. I’ve got post-birthday blues. The former centre of attention is now all alone and feeling sorry for himself. The child within, the child without. Without company. Without love.

The carnival is over within these walls, within my mindset, within my heart.

I haven’t been to the launderette for weeks – the cash flow dribble dictating that somehow eating was more important than clean sheets. Being something of a clothes freak, however, I’ve usually got something clean to wear. Now I have a little money, birthday presents from friends; but I can’t face doing the washing today – I want to treat myself.

SHIT! OF Course! I’m brain dead! It’s the ‘Sue Summers And Sake Party’ at Anna’s place. I nearly forgot!

Help! I need props! I don’t have any sex toys! Maybe I can improvise with some phallic articles?

I’m off to buy cucumbers and carrots!

This has immediately made me feel immeasurably better… I’m already giggling to myself with the thought of how stupid we’ll be. Sigh…just like old times.

 

**********************************************************************

November 1949.

“Ooh…uh… aaaaagh… that feels soooo good. Yeaaaahhhhhhh!”

Dick bucked and groaned.

Stephen gulped and hungrily swallowed Dick’s semen.

Able Seamen.

Crash! Suddenly, the cabin door was flung open. Burly arms grabbed the unsuspecting pair and hauled them to their feet from the bunk, as they tried to pull up their underpants and trousers.

They knew that they were busted and that there was no point in protesting, so they stood and hung their heads, like naughty schoolboys who’d been caught smoking behind the bike shed… but this was much more serious.

Their two pieces of irrefutable evidence drooped and shrank, as if to cement their humiliation, which was only made worse by their realisation that bringing up the rear, so to speak, of this unwelcome boarding party, was Admiral Peregrine.

Now we’re in for the high jump, they thought in unison, like an imagined scene you’d never, ever, see in one of those post-war, black and white, British movies.

 

Celia eyed the various shades of green in their room with distaste as she flicked through a copy of House And Garden (which Miss Platt, the landlady had ‘handed down’ to her, once she’d finished reading it), sitting on the only piece of furniture in the room which could lay claim to being welcoming – a battered, faux-suede armchair, which she’d draped with an antique shawl that an aunt had given to her, in an effort to make their ghastly digs more homely.

‘Pristine Christine’ read the headline above some archly posed pictures of some minor starlet’s dream palace in a Surrey suburb. Celia grunted dismissively at the actress’s bland, nouveau riche décor and thought: at least our place is real.

She’d had enough ‘reality’ to last a lifetime in the month that Dick and her had been married – and in Denmark before. The de rigueur honeymoon period had never even happened. End of story.

Being married seemed to entail her mostly being alone. She patted the small bulge in her abdomen which was the first product of this liaison – this loneliness – and imagined loving and nurturing their first child, as a pleasant distraction from the mundanity of struggling to survive.

She was discovering things about Dick which were as sobering as he was drunk most nights.

Staggering in in the early hours, waking her from crying herself to sleep, demanding to fuck her, then falling asleep halfway through his limp impersonation of an inebriated missionary (position).

What little money he gave her was barely enough to cover the rent and to buy food to cook on the single gas ring which sat on the floor by the yellowish-brown-tiled, boarded-up moderne fireplace in front of which there was also a battered, single-element electric fire.

‘Out of the frying pan… into the fire.’ She sighed, as she knelt on the brown lino and cooked sausages for their dinner, awaiting his return, which could have been anytime.

She heard footsteps on the wooden stairs and annoyed herself by leaping up and patting her hair as she checked her appearance in the cracked mirror above the mantlepiece.

‘Perfect little wife…’ she whispered to herself in a nursery rhyme voice, scowling at her broken reflection.

A few moments later Dick slowly opened the door, looking tired and ashen-faced.

‘Dick… whatever’s wrong?’ She took his coat and fedora hat, absentmindedly brushing a hair off his lapel as he sunk onto the bed, sighed deeply and undid his brown brogues, throwing them on the lino.

‘It’s all over!’ He said, putting his head in his hands, messing up his beloved coiffeur.

She sat beside him and put her arms around him, waiting for him to explain what had happened.

‘He took a deep breath and said: ‘I’m finished with The Navy… I… I’ve been chucked-out, dishonourably discharged…’

‘But Dick.. why… what happened? What did you do that was so awful?’

‘I didn’t do anything, sweetheart. I was set-up… and spat out. Just like that!’ He made a futile gesture with his hands and and shrugged his shoulders.

Naturally, Dick wasn’t about to tell the truth. She wouldn’t have believed him anyway – after all, he was a married man, so he couldn’t be ‘that way’.

He’d had to pull a few strings to make sure that there was no publicity about the Court Marshal: Admiral Peregrin’s rather thick string, in fact, along with a cat-o’-nine-tails that Dick administered to his rear. Rear admiral. The admiral, putting his uniform back on, had been grateful… and apologetic.

‘I’m so sorry, my dear, beautiful boy, you know Captain Blonde is such a spoilsport, but one has to go along with it. Mustn’t rock the proverbial boat, eh what?’

This attempt at making little pleasantries was lost on Dick, who was merely relieved, not only of his duties, but to get the hell out of this vile old queen’s quarters, safe in the knowledge that his secret was safe… for now.

Criminal acts, not having two pennies to rub together, loneliness and the struggle to survive were not supposed to be in Celia’s curriculum vitae. They were forced to do a ‘moonlight flit’ from Miss Platts’ boarding house; which she ruefully had to admit had given her a certain satisfaction.

Dick brought the battered Austin Seven to the back alley, having instructed Celia to keep watch for the landlady, then she’d thrown their possessions over the back fence and her husband – this is my husband? – had thrown them in the boot and on the back seat – and they were off, to Birmingham – where her cousin Nelly (who was also pregnant) had agreed that they could stay with her and her mentally retarded (that’s the term people used in those days) husband in their small house in Acock’s Green, a grimy, smoke-ridden, working-class area of the city – having been told a pack of lies by Dick.

‘Don’t you worry your pretty little head about it sweetheart, he’d urged her.’

Celia’s far-from-little head was growing in bitter experience by the hour.

She stood at the side of the road clutching her coat collar to her throat with one hand and disconsolately waving the other with its thumb raised, to hitch a lift, as the cars, vans and trucks thundered by in the cold drizzle in Warwickshire.

Dick leaned against the boot of his broken-down car, a cigarette dangling from the corner of his mouth, rather like James Dean in ‘A Rebel Without A Cause’.

‘Hitch-up your skirt a bit, old girl, then someone will soon stop.’

She reluctantly did so and within a couple of minutes a truck screeched to halt fifty yards down the road. It started to back up, but when Dick emerged from the shadows, it halted abruptly, then sped off into the inky darkness.

‘Oh Dick, this is BLOODY AWFUL! Wailed Celia, feeling utterly frustrated, cold, tired and disillusioned. She’d surprising herself by swearing.

‘Can’t we at least try and get the old wreck started again?’

‘I don’t know what’s wrong with it!’ He said, shrugging his shoulders, ‘Why don’t you just keep trying to thumb a lift?’

Celia stomped over to the stricken vehicle and opened the bonnet.

‘Oh that’s a laugh… ‘ snorted Dick, stubbing out his cigarette with his shoe ‘… and now she’s a bloomin’ mechanic!’

‘The fan belt’s gone!’ She announced with a grim smile, then, balanced on one leg, she unclipped a stocking from the other, then pulled of her shoe and the stocking as Dick looked on, nonplussed.

‘Where the hell did you find out about stuff like that?’ He asked incredulously.

‘During the war… I used to watch the airmen tinkering with their cars…’

She nearly lost her balance. Then lent on the wheel hub, tying the stocking where the fan belt had been and added, with a certain breezy satisfaction: ‘There – that should do the trick, there are only about twenty miles to go!’

‘Sometimes you amaze me.’ Sighed Dick, his lazy macho pride slightly wounded.

They arrived at the dreary-looking Victorian, terraced house in Acock’s Green just after Midnight.

The area looked rather like Coronation Street, the as-yet-unheard-of soap opera.

Celia knocked gingerly at the door, as the house was in darkness. Sounds emanated from within and the hall light went on. Her cousin Nellie appeared, dressed in a pink candlewick dressing gown and brown slippers, her smile conveying relief as she ushered them inside with their battered cases.

‘You finally made it, thank goodness you’re alright, what happened?’

Everyone was talking at once as they dumped their belongings on the floor of the sparsely furnished dining room.

‘Now don’t you worry, my sweets, leave all your stuff there for now, I think what we all need is a nice cup of tea.’

Celia took a deep breath, comforted by her cousin’s down-to-earth homeliness.

The doors of the serving hatch from the kitchen to dining room were suddenly flung open from inside.

‘Hello folks!’ Said Cedric, her husband loudly, in a reedy Birmingham accent, then slammed the doors shut as abruptly as he’d opened them.

Nellie smiled ruefully and raised her eyebrows and whispered: ‘Don’t mind him, he means well.’

This was the first of many performances of that particular routine to be witnessed by the new arrivals. It soon transpired that Cedric insisted on living in the kitchen, sleeping on an old camp bed. The ‘hatch show’ was basically his only form of communication.

Despite this bizarre ritual, after just a few days of acclimatization, Celia felt more secure than she had for some time.

Nellie was a true friend: warm, caring, motherly… and pregnant with her first child, just like herself (how her husband had managed it didn’t bear thinking about – and why had she married such a strange creature?). This was not the time for questions, only answers and practicalities.

Having her cousin there to share their impending births was a comfort beyond belief, although the house was dismal, cold, and draughty.

Nellie had no concept of design or décor. The house, which she had inherited from an elderly maiden aunt, was pretty much the same as it had been for forty years. Everything was brown. Shit brown.

The relief of having her own space – the spare room was quite large – and relative security was enough to bring out Celia’s natural, cheerful and resilient creative spirit. Soon, she was able to persuade Nelly to let her ‘brighten up the place a bit’ with bits and bobs which she would source very cheaply from local junk shops and markets.

The fact that Dick was continually absent, supposedly looking for a permanent job, was dealt with philosophically. The cousins had much cause for shared laughter concerning their husbands’ shortcomings and idiosyncrasies.

Within the space of three months Dick had flitted in and out of various jobs, ranging from an electrician to an undertaker, a television salesman and a clerk in a betting shop, doing various dodgy deals, gambling, womanising, petty theft and hanging out in Gentlemen’s Public Conveniences along the way.

However, even he had become more relaxed and grounded and Celia was happy to note that his natural charm had reappeared, along with his seductive grin.

He was quite a hit with Nellie’s neighbours as well: running errands, fixing leaks and generally performing the role of local man-about-the-house. Especially the bedrooms. His sex life with Celia was now nonexistent, as her bulge became bigger and the birth was imminent.

Her sexual needs, however, were tempered by the glow emanating from the heartbeat and movements in her womb.

Lawrence was safely delivered by the local Midwife in June, swiftly followed by Nellie’s Rupert in July.

They had a joint Christening, as both mothers attended the local Anglican church regularly.

Everyone, including Celia’s parents Gladys and Henry (who had recently moved to the city of Bath) and a gaggle of dull, lower-middle-class relatives in their ‘Sunday Best’ duly witnessed the official naming of the boys by a Vicar who was straight out of central casting – perhaps for an Ealing comedy – complete with goofy teeth and a tendency to misread the texts.

Next came a reception of sorts at the house in Acock’s Green, where little men in ill-fitting suits, sporting pencil moustaches, and rotund matriarchs with tight little perms, which looked like they’d been formed from clay, wore twinsets in pastel shades, fake pearls and horrendous floral, swirly frocks.

They were sipping tea in dainty little china cups and eating cucumber sandwiches and Celia’s homemade fairy cakes and exchanging pleasantries with the Vicar, whilst cooing at the two babies in their Moses baskets, when suddenly, the doors of the kitchen hatch were flung open and Cedric exclaimed ‘Hello Folks’!

Some of the children stifled giggles and a few tea cups rattled in their saucers in the brief silence which followed before Cedric pulled the doors shut, then everyone carried on making small talk and exchanging trivial pleasantries… as only the post-war, British lower-middle classes could.

 

**********************************************************************

October 31st, 1992.

It’s 8 O’Clock and Hercules hasn’t arrived yet, damnit!

I reluctantly throw on a warm jacket, grab my phone card and head for my open-plan office… the call box down the road. Much to my annoyance, Hercules answers the phone.

‘What the hell are doing there?’ I ask, irritated. ‘I thought you were coming straight after work… the party starts at 9 and it’s in my honour, well, along with Stephen Redford, who’s birthday it is today. There will be plenty of sushi to eat; I’m starving, and Anna will be pissed-off if we’re too late.’

‘Oh God, I’m leaving now, I didn’t realise the party was so early,’ says Hercules in his usual gentle and unassuming manner,’ and I’m looking forward to meeting your very own Mrs Madrigal.’

I laugh at the comparison, although Anna is not actually a sex change (whoops, sorry about the spoiler if you haven’t read the books).

Hercules has amazed me recently by revealing his love of the brilliant ‘Tales Of The City’ series by Armistead Maupin. I wasn’t aware that he read anything!

‘The Bunch’ (as-in ‘wild’), which is how this group of my close friends describe ourselves, all relate to various characters in the books – I suppose I must be Mouse. It was Anna who introduced me to them, and I was instantly hooked. Hercules was very impressed when I told him that I’d met Armistead Maupin on two occasions, when we’d both been performing (him reading, me playing the piano) at AIDS benefits in the late 80s.

Hercules arrived, slightly breathless, at nearly 9 O’Clock.

‘The bloody cab driver went the wrong way and I ended up in poxy Peckam. So I refused to pay him and got out and had to get a bus!’

‘A bus! My goodness, the indignity!’ I say sarcastically, pouring us a glass of cheap, Bulgarian Cabernet Sauvignon (actually, quite drinkable) each.

‘Happy belated!’ He says, clinking my glass, and pecks me on the cheek, looking intently at me with his enormous, warm, caramel-brown, liquid eyes.

‘Peckham-On-The-Cheek!’ I say with a chuckle. He looks slightly confused.

‘Well, you know that there a little tributary of the Thames called the River Cheek which runs through Peckham, where you were recently stranded!’

‘You silly man!’ He laughs, then throws a sizeable lump of black hash on the red, formica, 1950’s kitchen table. ‘Now make yourself useful and roll us a big fat spliff before we head off to Mrs Madrigal’s!’

I suppose Hercules is the nearest thing I have to a boyfriend right now. He’s only 21, strangely beautiful, sometimes too effeminate (which turns me right off), and very shy. He sports a shaved head – it’s a good symmetrical shape – and wears funky (as opposed to prissy) designer clothes (Chipie, Armani, Chevignon etc), as he works in a ridiculously over-priced menswear boutique called The Study in South Molton Street in Mayfair. He gets paid a basic wage plus a generous commission on the sales he makes, so he’s not short of a bob or two, as he’s very charming, if a little shy

He’s told me that his father is African/Greek (how unusual is that?) and owns a newspaper in Freetown, the capital of Sierra Leone, where he grew up, and that his mother is French/Sengalese – hence his exotic beauty. He came here to study at the renowned St Martin’s School of Fashion and graduated last year and is working whilst he looks for backers for his first womenswear collection.

Naturally, I’ve seen his sketches, and he’s very talented.

His mother is apparently a bit of a raver (she’s MY AGE!) and lives in Hackney with her second husband, whom Hercules has been trying to seduce by doing the vacuuming wearing just a skimpy pair of Nikos briefs, bending down to reach into corners, showing-off his small-but-perfectly-formed, round posterior. His stepfather has yet to ‘rise’ to the challenge, apparently.

His telling of this story actually made me feel slightly, well, jealous, whilst finding it amusing, regardless.

I’ve been seeing him for nearly a year, maybe once every couple of weeks or so (which makes us fuck-buddies, I guess).

We have wild, safe sex, usually off our faces. His body is like a Greek statue, in mahogany-coloured marble.

He gives me absolutely no indication of his emotional requirements, makes no demands, doesn’t seek attention.

He’s recently begun to show more warmth, as if he’d previously been afraid of the consequences of cuddling, slowly building a more emotional base? Who knows?

He fascinates me – except when he gets a bit girly.

We smoke the joint that I’ve rolled and I show him the ‘dick noses’ that we should wear to make our entrance with, wondering if he’ll be too shy to wear one.

As we head towards the tube at Elephant And Castle in the rain and cold, he suddenly offers to pay for a black cab to take us to Anna’s place in Kilburn. I readily concur, but after several roar by on the Walworth Road – with their ‘vacant’ yellow lights on – having observed that I’m with a BLACK man (who would obviously ‘do a runner’, or mug them) I suggest that I should ‘play the white man’ and that he should hide behind the bus shelter. Sure enough, one screeches to a halt immediately and we jump in triumphantly, sniggering.

As I ring Anna’s doorbell, I put on my dick-nose, he hovers behind me, holding his nervously.

‘Dahhhling!’ Screeches Anna, throwing her arms around me and thrusting her hips into mine in a pretend-lustful manner. She looks terrific, dressed as rock-chick groupie, in black leather and lace.

‘Meet the lovely Hercules!’ I say, as she ushers us into her flat, where ‘Shit On My Finger’ by Millie Jackson is playing at full blast on the stereo. ‘The Bunch’ all seem to be there and are dancing in sex-shop costumes and joshing, as usual, trading pretend insults.

‘Where the fuck have YOU been faggot?’ Demands David Hackney, grinning and grabbing my crotch. Hercules looks slightly taken aback. I wink at him, to reassure my fuck-buddy that’s it’s all part of ‘The Bunch’s’ usual ritual. David’s dressed as a sixties pimp, wearing mustard-coloured Farah hipster slacks, and a purple satin shirt with a huge collar, worn open to the waist, revealing an enormous and particularly unpleasant fake-gold medallion.

Anna’s bisexual, first ex-husband Jerry Judge sidles over – he’s flown-in from France, where he’s the editor of Paris People magazine. He casts an admiring eye over Hercules and looks back at me questioningly. I shrug my shoulders with a wink, as if to say, yes, he’s with ME! Hands OFF! Hercules hovers uncertainly.

I don’t blame him. Meeting this lot for the first time would be testing for anyone, no matter how gregarious they might be.

‘This is Hercules!’ I announce, pulling him into the circle, ‘and this…’

I wave my hand mock-dismissively around 

‘… bunch of degenerates are some of my OLDEST friends!’ Everyone groans at this tired ‘old’ in-joke, but that IS the joke.

‘Come and get some Saki and have an ENORMOUS line of Charlie in the kitchen! Shrieks Anna, grabbing the now broadly-grinning Hercules by the hand.

Anna’s two-bedroomed flat is co-owned by her second ex-husband Jason Toogood, who is the father of her nine year-old daughter Jasmine, who’s generally known as Jazz.

Anna had kick-started his career by making him art director on big-name pop videos that she had produced in the early 80s. From there he progressed to directing them, then commercials, then Hollywood and movies.

Elton John’s manager once told me that the only reason that he’d ‘made it’ in LA was because all the gay, Jewish film producers fancied him. However, unlike Anna’s first husband Jerry, he wasn’t bisexual and I’m *ahem* sure that he didn’t lead them on at all.

The flat is a spacious and well-proportioned Edwardian conversion, with large, sliding patio doors leading out from the main bedroom onto a patio and a lawned garden with a large tree, where Jazz had asked me to build her a large tree house, inspired by the classic movie ‘Swiss Family Robinson’ which I’d given to her on video for Christmas. Unfortunately, I never got around to it, blaming the distinct shortage of bamboo growing on the railway embankment.

Anna is happy to have somewhere to call her own home, after several years of struggle and uncertainty. She’s HIV positive.

Until recently she was running a charity for women living with HIV and AIDS called Female Focus, until it was taken-over in a coup by a pair of PC lesbians (a demographic which is, ironically, the lowest-risk regarding ‘the gay plague’) , leeching-in on the burgeoning AIDS industry.

‘You’ll always find me in the kitchen at parties!’ I sing as Anna pours warm Saki into shot glasses and Jerry, who’s dressed in biker’s leathers, offers us large lines of coke on a mirrored tray.

Clementine appears, dressed in a nifty peach-coloured satin slip and gold sling-backs, looking amazing for her 45 years.

‘Hercules, meet Clementine Casely-Smith!’ I intone with fake grandeur, followed by a loud snort as I ingest the coke: ‘She’s older than your MOTHER!’ She mock-scowls at me, then smiles demurely at Hercules and introduces us to her latest toy-boy, who’s dressed in a pink rubber mini-skirt, and is sporting a black bobbed wig.

Soon, David Hackney, who is one of the foremost fantasy film critics in the country, is urging Hercules to give him the inside dope on a celebrity party which he recently attended, thrown by the 90’s answer to Greta Garbo, an actress called Inga Thompson, where he spent the evening talking with Joan Collins (very camp), Sylvester Stallone (he’s tiny) and various stars of stage and screen.

‘But tell me how Joe Flirt tried to pick you up and offered to take you to the States!’ Insists David, having been given the low-down the day before by your’s truly, on the phone. I’ve been astonished by Hercules’s ability to effortlessly hang-out with the rich and famous – and was slightly pissed-off that he hadn’t asked ME to accompany him to said bash. He shoots me a you big gossip look.

Joe Flirt is probably Hollywood’s most bankable, young male star and sex symbol of the 90s. He’s supposedly rampantly heterosexual.

Evidently, he likes youngish black men – just like me.

Hercules is not the first of my bed-mates to have been approached by him either. I once had a wild night with one of Grace Jones’ live stand-ins (hence the apparent ultra-fast costume changes), who’d been chatted up by Joe Flirt when Grace and her boys had hitched a ride to New York on his private jet.

Hercules seems to be enjoying all the attention and ‘The Bunch’, for once, are being really quite nice to Hercules, as if they’ve psyched-in on his self-consciousness, which I have been trying to break down gently, over a period of time. I want him to be confident and self-possessed – and, I have to admit, more masculine, which is a bit of a long shot.

Anna lurches elegantly towards us, smiling benignly, glass of saki in one hand and a joint in the other. She’s enjoying herself; releasing the tension of the last few months – her relationship with rich socialite Kenneth (call me Kenny) Cockburn (pronounced in the english, upper-cass way: kohburn) all washed-up. On Ice. Finished. Or maybe not. So no more pre-dawn trips to the seaside for Anna and The Bunch in his Bentley convertible.

For now, she doesn’t care, she’s flying, having fun.

Just like old times.

‘He’s an old softie really, that Ricky Racket!’ She exclaims into Hercules’s ear in a stage whisper. He smiles enigmatically.

‘Don’t believe that hard, cynical front that he gives out – it’s bullshit, darling, he’s sensitive and kind and caring and… ‘ She raises her voice theatrically ‘… I juss lurve him to death!’

‘Anna is just gushing again.’ I say, patting them both on the bum.

Hercules looks blissed-out and Anna is like the cat that got the cream, the saki, the smoke and the coke.

The doorbell rings. Someone lets in Tonski (Best Drug Dealer in London award, 1992), his wife Alana and Eddie, another dealer who’s reputedly the son of a major gangster (and therefore higher up the food-chain than Tonski: his ‘wholesaler’ I would imagine).

This is opportune, as cocaine supplies seems to have dwindled somewhat.

‘Darling!’ Purrs Anna, squeezing my arm, ‘Could you be an absolute angel and zip down to the cashpoint for me, I’m FAR too off my face!

I agree and she whispers her pin-number in my ear then intones loudly in her mock-Queen Of Hearts voice: “We feel that more class A drugs are required immediately!’ Then adds, before doubling-up with helpless mirth, ‘Orf with their heads… as we’re all orf ours!’

I glide off towards the cashpoint in the November drizzle on an imaginary hover board (imagine if such a thing existed!) powered by saki, hash and cocaine, having pressed a mental ‘save’ key to remember Anna’s pin number.

Her flat is just around the corner from the dubious merits of Kilburn High Road, a never-ending cartoon strip of trash shops, pawn shops, betting shops, greasy spoons, old-school pubs, kebab-and-chicken-take-aways and, curiously… a Marks And Sparks. It’s seemingly populated by Irish hookers, homeless people with dogs-on-strings, junkies, drug dealers and begging Romany women. It’s hard to believe that there’s so much prosperity in the nearby tree-lined streets, which are filled with handsome Victorian and Edwardian houses – mostly converted into flats.

I reach the cashpoint, check there are no mugger-types in the immediate vicinity, and am amazed when it generously gives me the £100 that I’ve humbly requested. It makes me nostalgic for the days, back in the 80s, when my own account regularly delivered such amounts without question.

I put the money safely in a zip-up side pocket in my cargo pants, pull the hood on my jacket over my head, as the rain is getting heavier, and wander back to the party, musing about people who’ve never used (with the emphasis on used) recreational drugs. It may be difficult for them to comprehend the therapeutic benefits which can be derived by someone who, like me, has a good mental handle relating to the partaking of various illegal substances.

Allow me to ellucidate.

If you’ve spent the majority of the past year in tense suspension – waiting, pushing, hoping, praying, surviving and basically believing in yourself and your abilities… then, getting off your face, out of it, high, bollocked, smashed, zonked, mashed (and all the other ever-changing colloquialisms that describe this state of being) takes the form of a welcome release, a virtual holiday, a breath of air to blow away the cobwebs of struggle.

Because of your rich experience in this matter, you find that you are always ‘on top’ of said situations, unless you deliberately wish to reach a cut-off point –  which could be described as planned amnesia, I suppose.

That particular combination that I have snorted, smoked and imbibed does not induce paranoia in me at all, largely due, I guess, to the saki, which has a mellow, warm, calming effect.

Cocaine never makes me edgy (probably ‘cos I’ve never been ‘strung-out’ on it – and I don’t believe that it’s physically addictive, just habit-forming, because it can give people with low self-esteem the belief that have snorted super-powers), but oddly enough, smoking dope on its own without alcohol (red wine preferably), can lead to me questioning everything about myself in a most irrational manner.

So I don’t.

I depends on one’s metabolism, I guess – you could say that there are two distinct ‘types’ amongst dope-smokers: those, like me, who find that it triggers creativity, stimulates the intellect and sexuality; and others, who it makes all floppy, dopey, stupid and sleepy, banishing all deep and meaningful thoughts from their minds, preferring to drift down a shallow stream (not necessarily of consciousness) to the sea of oblivion.

I always seem to find unexpected rapids and waterfalls around the next curve, and enjoy a bit of metaphorical white-water-rafting and then, when I reach the sea, I scan the horizon looking for new adventures, then turn around to see a beautiful, half-naked stranger (male) emerging from the woods behind the dunes on the deserted beach walking towards me, with arms outstretched.

A person exhibiting their shallow metabolism’s beatific, stoned smile and hollow, self-conscious cackling, reminds me of people with no direction in life who’ve been brainwashed into becoming Seventh Day Adventists, or who follow some bogus guru or whatever, and are high on their belief that it’s good for them and their low self-esteem. To me, they’re just cannon fodder for manipulative masters-of-their-own-universe who make a career out of exploiting stupid people.

I’m so lost in my thoughts that I suddenly realise that I’ve walked way too far down the road – well, all the houses look the same – then turn around and go back, allowing myself a self-derisory chuckle.

Back in the living room I pronounce in a stentorian fashion: ‘The machine refused to give me any money – it said you didn’t have ANY!’

Anna looks momentarily stunned, almost believing me, before I whip out the £100 and throw it on the carpet snarling: ‘Grovel bitch!’ She gathers up the money, after everyone pretends to steal i, and stuffs it in her bra, like a gangsters moll, helpless with laughter. I follow her into the kitchen with my hands around her waist, singing ‘Hi Ho, hi ho, it’s off to coke we go!.

Keiron Davies is sitting at the kitchen table rolling a huge joint, dressed in a white Victorian lace frock and sporting a huge black wig and huge pair of fluffy rabbit ears above his ever-mischievous visage. Just like me and Clementine, he never really made it creatively – in their case in the film industry – and after five years of trying to break through in Hollywood, with his brilliant scripts.

He’s now back in the backwoods of Wales – running a video shop.

‘We’ll all get there in the end Keiron,’ I say, reassuring him, maybe reading his mind, ‘So what’s your latest story? I ask. Hercules listens transfixed as he takes us into his latest magical world of mystery and monkey business .

We talk about talent and managers and agents and all the hoops we have to jump through in order to even begin to make any headway.

We get in deep: not silly, druggy deep, but real baby. Telling it like it is. Mutual support, admiration and understanding. Emotionalism is not an issue to be avoided, like in a professional manner.

Why can’t we get at least ONE away? Is it because we make people uncomfortable with the truth?

He seems surprised, relieved even, and points out: ‘That’s the first time we’ve ever talked like that.’

‘Nah… really? Impossible, after all these years’. We’ve know each other since the mid-seventies. Maybe he’s right.

After this, my memory banks go into meltdown and a delightful blackout ensues, until Tonski’s voice enters my consciousness announcing: ‘Hey Ricky – our cab has arrived man!’

You may recall that Tonski and his wife life near me in The Elephant And Castle. ‘I wonder if he’ll take five people?’ I wonder aloud, my natural organisational abilities springing into life, despite my drugged and drunken state. I leap unsteadily to my feet.

‘Offer the driver a couple of quid to wait for a bit.’ Says Tonski, slapping his recumbent wife gently on the cheek to bring her to life, pressing a £20 pound note into my hand; then poking Eddie, who’s fast asleep, in the ribs.

I run out into the now pouring rain where the inevitable Orange Datsun is waiting, with its equally predictable African driver, who happily agrees to my request, once I show him the money.

Somehow I manage to muster the flock and we squeeze into the cab for the journey South (giving the driver directions all the way, as per usual) which seems to take minutes – cocaine always makes the mundane enjoyable – and I invite everyone in for Chilli Con Carne.

*********************************************************************

November 1953

 

SS and Rob in pram (cropped). 1953

I display an early grasp of the Elvis sneer, aged 7 months

Not surprisingly, I don’t recall a great deal about my first birthday, in Handsworth Park in Birmingham, but another photo taken on that day exists (I just can’t find it) showing myself and my older brother Lawrence, who was always known as Larry, sitting on mutli-coloured bedspread depicting flying yachts, in that rather cool, stylised design peculiar to the 50s.

Larry, was already a good-looking boy, blond and blue-eyed – like his dad – and there’s little me, chubby with jet black hair and big brown eyes, with a dreamy, far away look in them, exhibiting a goofy, toothless grin.

Both of us were dressed identically and rather charmingly in bright red woollen waistcoats (which our mum Celia had knitted), yellow, short-sleeved shirts and blue bow ties.

This first-floor flat had three bedrooms, one of which had been occupied for over a year by a couple of lodgers who were actors performing in repertory (rep’, as it was known) in various theatres in the Midlands.

Celia’s brief taste of the spotlight with the Amateur Dramatic Society in Great Yarmouth had been the start of a frustrated love affair with the theatre and show business in general (which lasts to this day). So she was only too happy to accommodate two people who could give her vicarious access to a world which was denied to her. They, in return, were happy to have a charming, intelligent and attractive landlady who would devour their their thespian gossip, listen to their problems with a sympathetic ear, and help them read-through their scripts, taking, of course, the female roles.

I think that she already knew that she’d never get the chance to become the great actress that she have been, should her destiny had taken a different path.

Both actors were to become very famous indeed – through the rapidly burgeoning medium of television. One, Donald Piper, as the husband who wished to live off the land in suburbia in a hugely successful 70s sitcom which ran for years, and the other, Peter Toddington, as the nouveau-riche husband next door who totally disapproved. Celia was to be so thrilled that both her former lodgers were to become massive TV stars in the same show.

In later years, the former became a distinguished member of The Royal Shakespeare Company, playing many of the major roles, including King Lear, whilst the latter became uber-famous when he played a minister who later became the prime minister in what was allegedly Margaret Thatcher’s favourite TV show of the 80s – although I must confess that I find it hard to imagine her laughing at anything. Ice queen.

They both remained friends with Celia as the years went by, and would often visit her for a cup of tea if they were passing through Bath, where she now lives with my stepfather, or performing at the Theatre Royal (she adored the fact that they would be given free tickets). She still likes to drop just their christian names into conversation, expecting everyone to know who she’s talking about.

Back then in Birmingham, Celia’s life had reached a plane of tolerance. My parent’s stay at her cousin Nellie’s house had ended not long after Larry’s birth, after the local council had offered them a council flat in Handsworth Park (although sub-letting a room to lodgers wasn’t, of course, legal).

Dick’s nocturnal wanderings had eased-off to a degree, now that he had a young family to support; he’d actually managed to sustain a self-employed job as a TV repair man for over a year. The fact that the ‘repairing’ consisted of using his bottomless pit of charm to persuade his mostly female customers to buy ‘reconditioned’ TV sets (i.e stolen) from him, then covertly selling their damaged ones, once he’d repaired them, as if he was ‘doing them a favour by getting rid of them’, only helped to bring in more ‘housekeeping’ money. Celia would have been horrified if she’d known the truth, but with Dick’s income and the additional money from the lodgers she was, for the first time in her life, relatively secure.

She also thoroughly enjoyed the company of her charming lodgers. Donald Piper was a cheeky sort of chappie (as they would have said in those days) aged 23, with an engaging grin and wonderfully natural comedic talent. His mimicry used have my mother in fits of laughter.

‘He has me tickled pink!’ She’d exclaim, in that curiously clipped fashion that we find so amusingly twee in 50s black and white movies these days,

‘He’s an absolute HOOT!’

He reminded her of some her airman friends back at The Links in her youth, having been in the Airforce, and even imprisoned in Colditz.

His best friend and colleague Peter Toddington was 24, tall and handsome, with Italian features, jet-black hair, large and luminous come-to-bed eyes and an undeniably alluring sexual charisma. He and my mother seemed to have a magical bond between them which was almost mystical.

 

**********************************************************************

November 2nd, 1992.

The flint on my gunmetal black Zippo lighter has ‘gone’. Smoking roll-ups, as I do, which are constantly going out, this is causing me some consternation, especially as I can’t afford to buy any more. Surely I have some in a box somewhere? It will probably be easier to raid the change jar and buy a disposable lighter for 20p in the market.

Back to counting the pennies again dammit! I’ve lit a candle, as is my wont, to provide me with a sort of focus, to re-light my soggy cigs, to create an evocative atmosphere and maybe to help ward-off malevolent spirits (just like I’ll be doing when I do the dreaded deed). Suicide appears to invoke a cast of ghost characters who will accompany you into the dread zone, where you will float, like an exotic fish in a cosmic aquarium on the other side which is ‘actually just about around the corner.’

Probably. Possibly.

Who would think that such a pathetic little hiccup could cause me such anguish? Why can’t I have a box full of disposable lighters with colours to match my moods?

What, all of them black?

No, that’s not fair on myself, even in my current impasse.

I’m able to laugh, hang-out with my friends, get high and pissed, flirt, have an almost-love-thing with Apollo and great sex, tell pathetically awful jokes… write this… the longest suicide note in history… no doubt.

That’s hardly gonna help your mood is it? Says the still, small voice inside.

Sometimes my ‘higher-self’ gets on my tits.

Uh-oh, he’s getting pissed off with me!

He’s beginning to mock me! Hey you up there, or wherever you are, how about a bit of sympathy and solidarity huh?

You’re getting tired and ratty – why don’t you try to get some sleep?

It’s true, I’m exhausted, but I doubt if I’ll be able to sleep. I wish I had a new book to read…

You could always read what you’ve just written?

Oh great, that will cheer me right up! If only the TV worked, then I could ‘veg-out’ and stop being so intense with myself. Maybe the TV not working is some kind of warped karma, like father-not-like son, or something.

I stopped paying the rental several years ago, and the computer just sort-of forgot about me, not that it was in my actual name (I’d rented in my father’s name just to amuse myself with the double irony)!

I can hardly ring them up and demand that they fix it, can I? Although it would be a tantalising dare. Anyway, it’s only got four channels! How antiquated.

Nov 3rd.

So what?

So what indeed have I go to look forward to tomorrow? Two meagre units left on the Phone Card. Small change rattling in my pocket (I really shouldn’t have bought that musical, two-speed Elvis vibrator – Love Me Tender and I’m All Shook Up – for the party) and… might my would-be benefactor be back in the country yet? I somehow doubt it.

I can’t ask my sister for anymore cash – it’s not fair, with her being the only member of the family on the spot, in London.

Mother relayed a message through her the other day suggesting that maybe I should get a job.

In this state, just after my fortieth birthday? If only she knew.

It’s the old catch 22. If I’d had a job, then I wouldn’t have been able to achieve all the things that I have (two major record deals, enormous success as a club promoter and party organiser, for instance). And now, fucking great mountains of creative outpourings all stored to floppy disc on my 16-track Korg T2 digital dream machine, which ma and step-pa bought for me in 1987, bless ’em – and it cost £1,200!

Maybe I could, or should get a job, perhaps be a consultant to an ad agency, or a trend advisor (I always accurately predict everything that’s going to happen – for instance: people have no idea how communicating by using computers will be like the second industrial revolution).

But people would look at incredulously and say ‘But you’re Ricky Rackett! You’re a legend, why should you need a job?’

So if I signed-on as unemployed (or claiming disability because of my condition – now there’s a thought), there would be probably be some lefty, right-on queen, with hair shaved at the sides and a dreadlocked ponytail on top, presiding behind the glass screens and the iron bars, lord of all who must grovel in her presence, who turns out to have been a regular at some of the hugely successful, one-night clubs I promoted throughout the 80s, who would proclaim loudly enough for all the other failures, alcoholics, junkies, queers, dykes and down-and-outs to hear: ‘My GOD, I thought I recognised you! What on earth is the famous Rocky Racket doing slumming it HERE? Well, well, how the mighty have fallen!’

Exit AIDS-infected former semi-famous person and failed songwriter/poet/author/spiritual healer/interior designer/potential consultant to the creative industries… with tail very much between legs.

Besides, you have to wait over six weeks to get a penny, then you get a paltry weekly sum like twenty quid, which would last about two days, once you’ve re-stocked the fridge with beer and food.

Mind you, just like with the TV rental company, databases do have a tendency to forget my existence, which, in some respects, is something to be grateful for. I haven’t paid the rent on my little council flat for months – and I haven’t heard anything… yet. But as Social Security instruct the local council to pay one’s rent when signing-on, it’s obvious that my cover would be well and truly blown should I go down that route.

Ohlordgivemestrength and several thousand pounds and pass the bag of tamazapan! I’ve had enough of this endless frustration,

I just need to get in a recording studio to do the vocals on all the songs I’ve recorded at home, before it’s too late.

Now, if I told people of my condition, they would probably whisk me into the studio before you could say Terence Higgins… but I can’t use that kind-of sledgehammer, emotionally blackmailing approach; it’s just not right.

I want someone to invest in my talent because they believe in ME, not out of sympathy.

That’s more like it!‘ Says the small voice in my head, appearing to be supportive this time, for a change: ‘Keep saying it, keep believing it will happen… you know I’m on your side.’

But sometimes you make me feel like I’m a schizo, like my own rationale’s making me think I’m going off the rails, hearing voices…

‘Forget it kid, take a nap, you’re becoming delirious…’

You’re right, I will.

‘… and don’t forget to press SAVE!’

Fuck, yeah, thanks!

 

*********************************************************************

Nov’ 2nd 1992.

I first met Christopher Goldberg in the new year of 1992. He was perched on a stool at the oval-shaped bar at the centre of The Lear Lounge at The Starlight Club.

He twinkled at me in what I assumed to be a psychic, rather than a flirtatious manner; at least, that’s how I interpreted it, perhaps due to the fact that dumpy, Jewish Americans aren’t my cup of (Kosher) meat, as it were.

Despite being vertically challenged, he had a handsome, smiley face and a cool, expensive-looking haircut.

I sat on the stool next to him and we immediately got into a lively conversation about the nomenclature of the bar.

I’t’s called The Lear because it’s trying to look like a V.I.P Lounge – and failing miserably – like where people might board Lear Jets.’ I snorted.

‘No, it’s because everyone is leering at each other!’ He joshed.

‘Well, it’s nothing to do with Shakespeare,’ I cut-in, perhaps surprising him with my un-British, quick fire delivery.

‘Talking of King Lear, ‘ he said brightly, ‘isn’t that Ian McKellen being histrionic in the corner?’

‘Sir Ian, if you don’t mind, or Serena, as he’s sometimes known by some of his more campy friends!’

The barman, an occasional porn star, who’s apparently straight, put two cocktails on the bar in front of us. Christopher handed me one – a shot glass with three layers of liquid in shades of brown – I looked somewhat nonplussed.

‘Go go! Drink! Down in one!’

We clinked the glasses and I did as he instructed.

‘It’s called a B-52, and the layers are Bailey’s, Grand Marnier and Kahlua. ‘ He grinned.

I gulped, feeling a warm glow spreading through my lower abdomen.

‘Mmm – wow that’s lovely – don’t you think that’s taking the aeronautical theme a little too far though, presuming that it’s named after a giant bomber?’

‘Oh no, this baby was invented by a fan of the eponymous band in NYC in the 70s!’ Explained Christopher, ordering us another on his bar tab, as I surmised that he obviously wasn’t short of a bob or two.

‘Great band, I saw them once at The Electric Ballroom in 1979 – which inspired my song Fall Down Fred – it appeared on my second album in 1980.’

‘Oh my gosh – I’ve just met a gay rock star!’ He laughed.

‘Gay, yes, rock star no!’ I said ruefully, rolling a cigarette, ‘but talking of the dreaded music industry, do you know who owns The Starlight – the biggest gay club in Europe, as it happens?’

‘I don’t actually.’

‘It’s that quintessential multi-millionaire English eccentric Cornelius Maiden, owner of Maiden Records, Maiden Airlines, Maiden Clubs, Maiden Holidays…’

‘… Maiden England!’ He quipped.

‘… and the town of Maidenhead, for all I know,’ I suggested, ‘and that’s why the various areas in this salubrious establishment allude to Maiden Airlines – here we are in The Lear Lounge, then the main room is called The Jumbo – the second The Concorde…’

‘…And what does he call the toilets, the Mile-High club?

I laughed as he handed me another B-52: ‘Well, yes, that would be rather appropriate with all the shenanigans going on in there – not that I give a flying fuck!’

Ten months later, it’s just after 11pm and I’m heading for the Starlight again, where the aforementioned Christopher and Anna’s ex-hubby Jerry Judge (who hasn’t yet returned to Paris) are awaiting my arrival. I’m kind-of walking on air because I’ve actually eaten out, albeit at the good ol’ Tonno in Soho. It’s hardly La Crevette, but it’s a cheap n’ cheerful Italian cafe with rather charming 60s décor and a boho ambience. I’ve been going there for nearly 20 years, long before there were queues of starving trendies waiting to get in.

It’s the perfect place to eat alone in this loneliest of cities. You can’t avoid talking to people, unless you have a chronic case of laryngitis, because everyone shares the cramped tables. I got seated – having been ushered in front of the queue as I am, or was, a regular (before my more recent financial fall from grace) – with a stylish and intelligent caucasian Canadian couple, which is, ahem, unusual in itself. Stylish, I mean; well, they weren’t wearing lumberjack shirts.

He, it transpired, is in advertising and she is a journalist. I employed my usual tactic of feigning shyness, or indifference, whilst listening to every word of their conversation, then weighed-in at an appropriate point with my considered opinion on a moot point they were discussing, swiftly dousing the flames of any potential hostility by then swiftly asking; ‘Canadian?’

All Canadians get pissed-off by being presumed to be American, so their momentarily frozen expressions were immediately replaced by broad grins.

So I was allowed to join their intimacy, which also gave me carte blanche to tell stories about myself.

In case this might appear selfish, I’d like to point out that I’m one of those people whom others often perceive as a sounding board (or a sponge, as I see it) for them to tell me all their problems, rarely pausing to enquire about mine. MY TURN! I decided inwardly, and careered on, apparently charming the Canadian pants of them.

They, in turn, managed to get a few words in edgeways (or Edgware, as I like to quip). Of course, I’m being satirically hard on myself: I play good conversational table tennis.

I was enjoying this rare opportunity so much that I lost all track of time and had started to wave my arms around like a deranged acid house dancer in 1998, due to two double espressos I’d consumed (after a half-carafe of dubious red plonk), which was also designed to wake me up after the debilitating effects of the excesses at Anna’s party.

I leapt to my feet and shook their hands.

‘It’s been great to meet you!’ Said the girl brightly.

‘Yay, good luck and SUCCESS! Said the guy, making a clenched-fist salute.

As I float swiftly down Charing Cross Road on a cloud of caffeine, I figure that they must have liked me and found me interesting, or it would have shown.

Apparent confidence is a flimsy fence which conceals our anxieties. It would never have occurred to them that the ‘novel’ that I had told them about was actually, probably the longest suicide note in history. Maybe it was always MEANT to be a novel anyway, or the proverbial ‘semi-autobiographical’ one. Who knows?

What a warped life.

But hang on, I AM writing a novel, as I trust my dear readers might recall: ‘The Amateur Dramatic Society’ being the (ahem) semi-autobiographical tale of my my mother and father’s early married life.

So it could all end-up as a book-within-a-book, despite it possibly (probably?) ending up like… well… you know.

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The Diary Of Tran Frank.

30 May
'Femon' By Finlay Cowan

‘Femon’ By Finlay Cowan

Click for more on Finlay Cowan

 

*Warning!  Not for kids or the faint-hearted!*

 

There is a true back story as to what inspired this badly-behaved little collection of yarns, but it’s so so unbelievable that I won’t even try to explain.

Image

So… about *cough* Tran Frank…

Industry Arts
Occupation Professional Stalker
Location Little Withering, Milton Keynes, United Kingdom
Introduction Well, modesty prevents me from revealing the size of my willy, but post-op, I’ll keep it pickled in a large jar displayed alongside my You Too memorabilia and karaoke trophies (my specialty is singing ‘Bloody Bloody Mary’, that well-known You Too anthem about ‘The Troubles’ in Northern Ireland, where I studied philosophy and physics at Queens Uni). I’m a single tranny and live in a picture-postcard village in a bijou 50s, council-owned studio flat.
Interests An Irish rock band called You Too, lingerie, midi-skirts, lavender talc, Boots (the chemist), collecting cuddly toys, making my own pot-pouri, transvestites, transexuals, transgendered, travel, wigs, make-up, nuclear physics, the early recording of Cilla Black, existentialism, lateral thinking, the songs of Jimmy Webb, crochet, Burt Reynolds, windowbox gardening, origami, cocaine, champagne, becoming a real woman… one day.
Favourite Films Ooh – anything glamorous and featuring female-bonding, like Thelma And Louise, Some Like It Hot, Pink Flamingoes and Carry On Screaming.
Favourite Music You Too.
Favourite Books The Diary Of Tran Frank, by Frank Lynne-Mint

You forgot your mom’s birthday! What can you make out of super glue and olive pits?

An organic dildo!

 

************************************************************************************************************************************************************

The Diary Of Tran Frank

 

Monday

 

Woke, up got out of bed, dragged a comb across my head. My wig came off.

Tuesday. 

Bought lovely, mushroom-coloured pleated midi-dress in Dorothy Perkins. Sooo very feminine. Went home to my bedsit in Acacia road, Milton Keynes. Well, I like to call it a studio flat. Rearranged all my lovely, cuddly toys on the end of my futon sofa-bed. Listened to Heart FM. Sprayed on some lavender talc – no time for a shower – and went to Uganda.

Wednesday. 

Went to LA. Met a film producer on Sunset who said I looked like Dustin Hoffman in Tootsie! Could stardom beckon in the remake, Tootsie Too? Bought some specs in Rodeo Drive, a snip at $500! Went to my seedy motel and got raped, doggie-style, by the pool boy. What a hunk! Offered him a part in the movie.

Thursday. 

Flew back to London and went and dusted You Two’s 20-bedroomed penthouse in Dagenham. It’s a very up-and-coming area. Their penthouse used to be the Ford factory! They’ve got a Ford Mondeo hanging from the roof – how post-ironic and rock n’ roll, eh?

Friday 

Went to Dublin, sold some cockles and mussels, alive, alive oh! Then had a meeting with the Real IRA in the Presidential suite of The Florence, You Two’s sumptious, boutique hotel. Shagged the bass player with a dildo. He said it reminded him of Noomi a bit. Sprayed myself with Lavender talc and went to Boots to buy some suppositories.

Saturday. 

Beano came to the suite with a bottle of Bailey’s and an ounce of coke. That’s what I call breakfast. We talked very fast and raced each other round the room. Then the Reverend Ian Paisley came to tea. Did he wear paisley underpants, I wondered naughtily? He drank the rest of Beano’s Bailey’s and started shouting obscenities about gays and catholics. Beano called President Bush and told him to save the starving in Africa, then we read the collected works of James Joyce by candlelight.

Sunday.

Went to church in a fleet of limos. Beano distributed grams to all the needy urchins pressing their dirty faces to the blacked-out windows of the limo. How thoughtful and kind he is at times! Flew to SA to meet Nelson whatshisname. He patted my butt and whispered ‘Would U like to come back to my cell on Robben island?’ Oooh! What a naughty fantasy! I felt like Venus in chains! It’s true what they say too…

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The Diary Of Tran Frank Two

 

Monday.

Woke up with a terrible case of TB.  Went to Swiss Clinic, paid for by The Boyz.  Only €20,000 a day, with champagne and cocaine included!  The nurses all wanted to shag me, until they found out about my little testosterone problem.  Stayed up all night in my sumptious Tyrolian-style suite playing Pokemon and listening to old Marlene Deitrich 78s on a wind-up gramophone. The two-speed Elvis vibrator sent me off into the land of nod.

Tuesday.

Ah! The wonders of that alpine air!  Knocked-off a few mathematical equations before breakfasting on muesli, cocaine and my own urine.  Beano came to visit, bearing a huge bouquet of white lillies.  He said they matched my ashen complexion.  Adam took me to lunch and I gave him a blow job under the table – he nearly choked on his schnizel with noodles.  The Leibfraumilch went down a treat.  These are a few of my favourite things, I mused.

Wednesday.

Felt well enough to don some leder hosen, grabbed a concertina and performed Tyrolean folk songs to an eager audience of local youth (such marvellously Ayrian blond tresses!).  Larry played the bongos.  My mother called from Holloway demanding more phone cards and rolling tobacco, and complained about lesbian warders harrassing her. U should B so lucky, I hissed.

Thursday.

Made miraculous recovery from TB and flew to the US to plan You Two’s triumphant appearance at the Super Bowl (why they were playing at a cookery competition is quite beyond me).  Well, ISH is a bit of a whizz in the kitchen.  Dined with Robert (De Niro, silly), Madge and The Duckess Of York at TriBeCa.  Robert was feeling my leg under the table until Madge shot him a glance that could’ve melted ice!  Fergie kept going on about her ‘Italian estate’ in Tuscany. Hah!  They saw her coming!  A former concentration camp, I believe.

Friday.

Flew to Barcelona and started anti-globalisation riot with a few petrol bombs.  Assembled a private army of around 300,000 and was carried shoulder high through the throng. I felt just like Joan Of Arc!  Then the idiots dropped me when the tanks started rolling towards us and I broke my arm!  Dined with Melanie (Griffiths, silly) and that greasy hubby of hers, Antonio Banderas.  Some fat, old queen came over and I asked for a bottle of Marques De Caceres Reserva, 1935.  Well, how was I to know it was Pedro Almodovar?

Saturday.

Went to recuperate at my country (council) estate in Cambridgshire, surrounded by all my lovely cuddly toys. I felt the words of that delightful Atomic Kitten song were spookily appropriate: ‘You Can Make Me Whole Again’. Indeed.  So I rang for the gardener and he was happy to plant his seeds in my flower beds!  Took a nostalgic look through my digital photo album of Beano in compromising poses, then demanded more money by email.

Sunday.

Went to church after a late lunch of pot noodles and caviar and a browse through the Sundays –  there I was in Barcelona.  I really shouldn’t have worn THAT wig, but hey, the camouflage hot-pants looked sensational in the Mail On Sunday.  Father (Phil) O’Sophical was a little concerned about my health, but I assured him that it was nothing that a little communion wine and confessional-role-playing wouldn’t cure.  We retired to his manse, or whatever it’s called, and re-enacted scenes from The Thorn Birds – he does rather resemble Richard Chamberlain. I thought he overdid the crack a little though.

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The Diary Of Tran Frank Three

 

Wednesday

Went to Cornwall with my friend the incredibly famous DJ and her two lovely sons.  Tried to have lesbo sex on the train, but a babysitter wasn’t available.  We managed a quick snog in the toilet anyway. Does that mean we joined the 250 mile-long club? Dabbed on some lavender talc and ate a Great Western Trains cheeseburger instead. Arrived at our caravan and threw up all over the children, then smoked loads of crack.

Thursday

Our initiation into the ‘white trash’ ghetto improved by the hour as the chicken nuggets cooked in the microwave. Went to the disco in the caravan site clubhouse with the kids at 11pm – hey, that’s early for them – and demanded You Two tunes from the DJ.  He refused, saying that he only played pop like Steps and S Club Junior.  Well purleeeze!  Grabbed the mic and insisted that DJ Snatch play all the housey You Too remixes and threatened to kill all the people on the site with my suicide bum.  They eventually gave in and I played the bongos.  But it was all a fiendish MI5 plot and I was arrested by armed police!  Came in my pants (aka knickers).

Friday

Plymouth Police Station.  The pigs tried to torture me into admitting I was Yasser Arafat’s secret love child, but I hung on in there and stated emphatically:  ‘I’m fookin Oirish, you fookin’ dickhead pigs and a nuclear physicist!’ (well, the prozac was still firing).  Got out on bail after Beano flew down by hang glider and put up 50 million Euros.

Flew with him to Uganda.

Saturday

Went shopping in Harare’s lovely bazaars – so many feminine-yet-ethnic gowns to choose from – and those were just the ones for  men!  Felt so empowered that I went to visit a witch doctor, but only after consulting Which magazine (the Ugandan version). I mean, which witch doctor?  They recommended Ongobonolarryedgeirlando.  Lovely mud hut!

He suggested that I get sectioned then shagged me senseless.

Sunday

Flew to Jerusalem to liberate the Christians from the evil clutches of the Palestinian fascist dogs who’d saught refuge in the church of the nativity in Bethlehem.  Unfortunately, I was too late, as Blair n’ Bush had sorted it.  Got there in time to seize a photo op in my new ethnic robes with some Palestinian wannabe suicide bombers and some Jewish settlers at their annual karaoke night.  Hot gig dudes! The meze was rockin’ too!

Monday

Was invited to Afganistan by the British army to press the detonator to blow up the Al Queda arms cache in the caves.  My, what a rush!  So much so, the force of the blast blew off my wig, but one gallant soldier thought I looked like Sinead in the ‘Nothing Compares to You’ video. So I shed a tear, albeit somewhat theatrically, as he fucked me up the ass in a genuine army tank.  Not very comfy though, I mean, where’s the upholstery?

Tuesday

At last! Back home in Milton Keynes!  I cuddled my cuddly toys, put on the kettle, turned on East Enders and thought of my life in the fast lane.  My! The lows, the highs, the fast food joints, the libraries, the bus stops, the supermarkets, the wheely bins, the cornflakes,   the trashy magazines… the… emptiness of it all.  And I hadn’t had time to bathe all week, what with the drama of it all!  Thank goodness for aromatherapy in the form of Lavender talc!

Next stop: Boots!

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The Diary Of Tran Frank Four. 

 

Monday.

Beano drove us to Heathrow in his bullet-proof Smart Car – so eco-dinky (it runs on Irish peat) – as we were going to Thailand to publicise the terrible plight of the eight (eight!) people who’d so far caught some mystery disease there. I went on Thai TV to explain that it was in fact a WMD originating from that axis of evil, North Korea (or should that be ‘North career?). Had marvellous anal sex with a commie spy posing as a Taiwanese chef in a lady-boy bar in Phuket. Almost ripped my tie-dyed sarong!

Tuesday.

Caught malaria in the floating market from a swarm of mozzies whilst shopping in vain for lavender talc (do these orientals have NO class?). Larry rented the entire island of Kay Hole to aid me in my recovery. Beano decided to build a designer, boutique hotel featuring Thai-style teepees thatched with recycled glass noodles on the beach and You Two performed a benefit concert for the victims of SARS (now numbering ten and a half) to an audience of gay, Aussie backpackers and a posse of mixed-race, South African Lesbos, who were having a conference about the political relevance of the strap-on.

Wednesday.

Flew with ‘The Boyz’ to Hong Kong to distribute thousands of free You Two designer face masks to the few remaining residents. Had a great Chinese! ‘Dim sum lights!’ I squeeled, making exaggerated slitty eyes at Beano, as he plunged his Ming vase (BC 394) into my nether regions whilst shoving an opium pipe under my grateful nose. Flew to Antiqua for a few day’s treatment at Erica’s (Claptout, silly) lovely re-hab clinic-in-a-genuine-tin-roofed-shack. Watched millions of Chinese peasants dying live in the paddy fields (but where was the peat?) on cable TV. ‘It’s the opium of the people!’ Said Erica, whilst her guitar gently wept.

Thursday.

Went into the disabled toilet sporting the pink, towelling trackie that I’d liberated from Madonna’s Oxfam bin-liner and who should be coming out but that perma-tanned hunk David Dickinson! ‘I didn’t know you were disabled…’ I cooed, fluttering my eyelashes at his orange-tinged, craggy features. ‘Oh no!’ He replied, looking like the cat that had got the cream, ‘That’s where Erica keeps her secret stash!  Then he led me tenderly to his rented vintage Bentley Convertible and took me for a drive through the sugar cane fields, scattering terrified workers in all directions as I gave him a lovely blow job. ‘This is what I call The Antigua Road Show!’ I gasped, as I came up for air.

Friday.

Got bored of Erica’s shack and flew to Basra to organise You Two’s benefit concert for legless people (I didn’t know Muslims DRANK! Like FISH darling!) and cleared a few token mines with Lady Heather Hills-McDonald (she was sooo ‘method’, I thought: how selfless to actually stand on a REAL mine and lose another leg, just for the cameras!). The support act, Saddam Kool, performed for the assembled media pack in a huge bathroom (lovely gold-plated bidet! Tasteful, erotic murals!) in Saddam’s burnt-out palace, and were brill. You could really believe they were him! Eight of them! All identical! Their version of Bohemian Rhapsody was classic (was it the moustaches that made it so authentic?)! I wouldn’t mind finding THEIR weapons of mass destruction! They would definitely win Iraq Has Talent!

Saturday.

Decided to board the Trans-Siberian express and gasped in awe at the disused labour camps (what a waste!), whilst sipping frozen vodka martinis and shovelling caviar into my mouth. The soldier opposite offered me ten Roubles to give him a blow-job. ‘Make it twenty and I’ll tweak your nipples too!’ I trilled, in perfect Russian. ‘Perestroika!’ He intoned, eyes rolled heaven-ward, trousers round his ankles, in the ornate, almost baroque elegance of the toilet. I reached into my Fendi bag for my dwindling supply of Lavender Talc and sprayed some down my knickers.

Sunday.

Went shark-hunting in the Caspian sea with President Putin and Tony Blair. We didn’t catch any, which is hardly surprising, seeing as sharks don’t actually live there. Tony made jokes about Bond villains (pointing at Vladimir) and said I looked like a bit of a Bond babe (it must have been the white, leather catsuit and the purple, vinyl kinky boots). ‘Can I try your rod Tony? I asked coquettishly and grabbed it in a girlie sort-of fashion. ‘How do I look?’ I asked demurely. ‘Oh Frank,’ He giggled manfully, sweat starting to stain his Marks And Spencer shirt. ‘Are you fishing for compliments?

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Now looking for The Diary Of Tran Frank Five and Six…. buried somewhere deep in the broken heart of my hard drive.

Found Them!

 

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The Diary Of Tran Frank. Chapter Five.

Sunday

Woke up feeling very wobbly, and realised I was bouncing around in a circular water bed, not a giant bowl of vomit. I felt seasick, or maybe it was the drink and drugs of the night before, or both, or… where the fuck was I? I wondered, lonely as a cloud. I looked out of the floor-to-ceiling windows and that was all I could see – clouds. ‘Clouds in my coffee, clouds in my coffee – you’re so vain…’ I found myself humming. Perhaps it was somehow appropriate. Or not. Where was I? I wrapped a lovely oriental silk sarong around my finely toned body, slipped on some Jimmy Choo flip-flops and staggered through double Egyptian-style doors into a vast hallway lined with what looked liked spatter paintings done by chimps. What a load of old pollocks, I mused. Where was the kitchen? ‘Can I assist madame?’ Asked a somewhat posh voice suddenly. I turned to find a tall, handsome young uniformed black butler smiling at me inquisitively. ‘Well, er, yes…’ I replied, trying to stop my eyes travelling downwards towards an impressive-looking package. ‘Could you tell me where I am?’. 

‘Certainly madame, ‘replied the butler. ‘My name is Chapsworth, and you are in the penthouse of You Too Towers in Shanghai. Would madame care for some coffee – fair trade beans, naturally?’ A strange, muffled whimpering noise made me feel slighly uneasy. Perhaps it was my stomach. 

‘Ooh yes please, I croaked. And where is ah…?’

‘Mr Lil is feeding his favourite pet, it’s called Anna, Anna Condo, ha ha, and this package…’ He pointed to the large parcel he was carrying, ‘is a litter of live puppies for Anna to – ahem – play with! Follow me please.’ How very odd!

Mr Lil – Shanghai? It had a certain ring to it, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, as it were. Chapsworth led me into a vast, hi-tech circular kitchen set inside a glass pyramid. ‘I bet the knives stay nice and sharp naturally,’ I muttered to the butler, who merely nodded with a hint of a smile, and pressed some buttons on a black and chrome machine, having placed the box full of puppies on a table. ‘Would a double espresso be suitable for madame’s requirements?’ He asked. ‘That would be marvellous, ‘ I replied, eyeing his sturdy forearms; they were like mahogany covered in soft, black silky gossamer. His huge hands found some Phillipe Starke cups – was he was going to join me perhaps – ooh-er! My back bottom twitched involuntarily (my front bottom still hadn’t quite ‘settled in’ to having sexually-triggered muscular spasms, despite the best efforts of Mr Federico Feline, Beano’s plastic surgeon). Chapsworth placed two espressos on a silver tray and beckoned for me to follow him through some double doors into another vast pyramid, which was like an enclosed rain forest in the sky, surrounding a huge artificial pond.

‘Ah so, my dear Flankie, ‘ said a voice with a strong Chinese accent, ‘I am seeing that Chapsworth hass tekken care of you. You seemply moost meet Anna.’

The tiny, Buddha-like Mr Lil was standing on a bridge that spanned the ‘lake’, holding a little puppy. ‘How adorable!’ I cooed, ‘is Anna a Pekinese?’

‘Oh no – Anna is positively Amazonian’ giggled Mr Lil, holding the puppy out over the water and whistling. Suddenly a huge snake’s head lunged out the water and towards the bridge, but instead of grabbing the whimpering puppy it wrapped itself around Mr Lil and dragged him screaming into the foaming depths. Somehow, the puppy had managed to jump back onto the bridge. ‘Do something Chapsworth!’ I yelled hysterically (some might say my screaming was, well, hysterical, but that’s ‘cos it’s soooo deep. Hmm. Goes with the territory). Chapsworth just stood there and winked at me, passed me my espresso and said ‘Oh well, there goes Shanghai Lil. Fancy some bird nest soup madame?’ 

I slurped down my coffee, scooped the pekinese puppy into my arms and followed Chapsworth back into the kitchen. Somehow my antique silk sarong slipped to the floor. Chapsworth’s trouser crotch seemed to twitch and grow… and grow. He took me in his manly arms. ‘Wait!’ I whispered, putting the Pekinese down, ‘The poor, adorable little puppies!’. 

I tore open the large box and out tumbled five little bundles of joy, snatched, indeed, from the jaws of death. ‘Meat! Chapsworth, Meat!’ I exclaimed urgently. He started to unzip his fly. ‘No, for the adorable little puppies first!’. 

Soon, we were all feasting on prime steak. The puppies got fillet, and I somehow made do with Sir Loin, once I’d got the butler to call the police about the horrible accident and ghastly death that had befallen Mr Lil. 

Monday

Fate is strange sometimes, I mused, as I sprayed lavender talc between my somewhat sore thighs. Thighs and whispers, I whispered into the deeply vulgar ormulu mirror in one of the opulent (after the Dubai school of interior design) bathrooms in ‘lil ol Lil’s palatial master suite, checking my lippy. Boots #7 – so reliable and economical too. I’m sure Joy Borge SWEARS by it. I fucking love Boots, she might bellow, apropos of nothing, other than the pain in her builders’ arse. I sashayed back to the bowl of vomit to find a pleasantly arousing site: Chapsworth lying face down in his butlers white shirt. Only. His magnificent legs spread like mighty oaks, his tremendous buttocks protruding alluringly through the white cotton. Shame he was asleep.

Still, I had plenty to take care of, like my newly acquired billions. Just a few legal niceities to sort out. It had all been such a tragic accident – but we were so very close, even after such a short romance. That’s why he left his entire fortune to me, and a lovely island called Battee, well more of an atoll really, with a lovely palm tree and a litle beach bar called Crusoes, to the adorable Chapsworth! That’s when I came up with the idea of the floating atolls in the Carribean – a bit like the Maldives, but with drugs and studs, hookers and hoodlums just to add some real retro-romantic-rumpy-pumpy-for-the-old-the-rich-and-the-humpy-dumpy. But only in cyberspace, of course. http://www.tranfrankia.tv became a legend in its own launch time. And Tran Frank became ruler of all before her. Chapsworth changed his name to Merc Anthony and got murdered by a rent boy on crack. So much for a dull Monday eh? Virtual reality is so much less stressful than hateful, horrid real life, espcially when you’re the queen as well! 

Then I got out of the shower and realised that it had all been a dream!

 

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The Diary Of Tran Frank Six.

Squirrels Ate My Crack.

Monday.

It was buried in the garden under the begonias. In Liddle plastic bags. 

Then it  all turned into The Liddle Shop Of Horrors! 

Allow me to explain it all as best I can – even though it couldn’t possibly ever make any sense.  OMFG!  The pain, the humiliation, the addiction, the squirrels, the fluffy tails, the Hitchcockian horror, the desecration of my sunflowers by dark, animal forces (on crack) and… well…

A hunky mixed-race rapper (or should that be wrapper, as he was initially so sweet?) was something of a fuck-buddy of mine for the occasional drug-fuelled, long weekend through the summer of 2009.  I believe he called himself Crackatoa professionally. I’d love to think that his moniker was inspired by my very own, uptight little burning volcano of love. 

Then there was my bank manager, Mr Panini, who once offered me a loan at zero percent, after I’d absent-mindedly dropped my handbag under his desk and tasted his assets, as it were.  Actually, Crackatoa’s ‘professional’ name has bugger all to to with Mr Panini… or does it?  You see, I took Crackatoa, better known as Colin Dale,  to meet Mr Panini, who was most accommodating.  Naturally, I filmed it all on my iPhone.  Mr Panini wouldn’t, or couldn’t have noticed – as he was face-down; getting royally rogered by Colin. Crackerjack! You could say, although not exactly a ‘Crackerjack pencil’.  Crackatoa was hung like a horse on Ketamine. That’s why he needed the Viagra.

Mr Panini was soon innocently ‘banking’ Crackatoa big-time – Those ‘pregnant’ Yardie mulettas  don’t come cheap, I can tell you – they cost at least £50 per kilo in real terms!  Quite good value, generally, I’d say, apart from the unfortunate ones who suffered ‘miscarriages’ on the plane. Cheap condoms eh? 

Lets talk eco-friendly shall we? No, not white people with dreadlocks, but Trains.  Personally, I think EuroStar should have ‘Miss Carriages’, where only females (and, perhaps, conveniently, mulettas) are allowed to wear their Hijabs-and-or-dread-hats, pleated maxi- skirts and-or-burkas, and, of course, the holy Christian cross, bejazus!  A haven for the modern-day Mata-Hari, where I, Tran Frank, could become a martyr!  A true martyr for the cause… the cause and effect of the effectiveness of You Too being the main factor in the recovery of the Irish economy/the second potato famine.  I mean, look at Abba (and which tranny wouldn’t drink in their iconic style?) and the fact that they were actually more important to the Swedish economy than Vulva!  Such lovely, safe cars!  Just like driving a Smorgasbord with a dashboard through the mountains and by the Fjords. Pickled herring anyone?  Although, for some strange reason, that makes me instinctively reach for the lavender talc.  Oooh, don’t! 

I can’t wait to visit Dykea on the ever- romantic North Circular to catch-up on my cheap rug-munching and to pick-up closetted couples in the scented-candle dept for heavenly threesomes!  

Surely, there must be a dogging site near to Dykea?  The bleakness and total lack of any aesthetic pleasures would surely suggest that a once handsome, dusky,  ex-premier-league footballer would be ineffably drawn to the car park of the Trollyday Inn, along with hundreds of other extremely attractive suburbanites in ill-fitting, cheap ‘bondage’ gear, as they activated a complicated, multi-texting-thingie-event and headed towards some suitably discreet-yet-foreboding, dark, industrial wasteland in which to invade each others’ spaces by mutual agreement.  It’s not really my thing, I have to say – as I don’t drive a Range Rover, or anything with wheels (other than my pink and purple Tyson  – I call it Mike – with its dual thermosuckerthingie). It was a bit of a bargain in my local Ukip charity shop where I like to stock-up on lovely, feminine, pleated, pink maxi-skirts and diaphanous  purple, fuscia and mauve rayon blouses. 

Don’t even suggest that a hint of  the hot flushes had affected my state of mind!  My taste has always been towards a Thatcherite look.  Sensible,  mumsy, practical, yet subtly vaguely dominatrix-esque.  My lovely local yokels just adore it – especially when I talk dirty (this lady IS for turning!). Most of them work at the local call-centre (most of their clients are Indian companies looking to ‘out-source’, so my guys have to watch hours of Bollywood movies and pretend that called Shiva or something).  The other phalanx work at the local Service Station on the M whatever – the Costalotta Cafe, Bugger Queen and Travel Dodge. All class acts, as I’m sure you’ll agree.

Anyway, back to Colin Dale’s begonias and those fluffy-tailed space-invaders!

Gerbils?  Richard Queer?  Hey, this is way beyond that particular urban, ahem, ‘myth’. The squirrels, however, weren’t up a crack, they were on crack, having dug it up from Crakatoa’s back garden and consumed it, presumably in small measures (like little nuts); otherwise the crazy-paving patio would have been littered with little fluffy, dead tree rats who’d OD’d.  Not quite the cull that the local council had in mind. But, little squirrel cracky-wack had had years of experience of storage and gradual partaking of his chosen ‘five a day’.  Clever. Controlled addiction – rather like me and my lavender talc. And You Too.  Giving Larry blow jobs,  and my frequent trips to Uganda with Beano. 

After a while, of course, the supply of crack ran out and the squirrels had to go into animal rehab with some sunflower seed remedies and a load of pecans and almonds that they’d nicked from the allotment belonging to Al Queerda, a radical, underground Muslim gay club, in my local village!  Not that the locals didn’t notice all those ‘women’ in Bhurkas disappearing into the local ‘cottage’ hospital, which had been recently shut down by the coalition.  Rumours soon began circulating about them being funded by Foamali pirates.  As if!  A bit of a training ground for suicide bummers, I’d suspect.  Nothing like a hairy butt in your face as you pray in the erstwhile mosgue in a light, white cotton gown to get you inspired to become a martyr.  Seventy three virgins!  And all of them  trannies!  Bring on the holy strap-ons!

© Frank Lynne-Mint.  2011.

iPhone Phinger Painting © Steve Swindells

 

 

 

Sex N’ Drugs N’ Sausage Rolls

3 Mar

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A multimedia collection of short stories and true tales by Steve Swindells 

https://steveswindells.wordpress.com/about

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